ThriversSpeak

Dear Dad, I Won’t Be Silenced Anymore: A Daughter’s Farewell

by Alyse Price-Tobler

Dear Dad,

I remember the first time you were removed permanently from my life. I was only eight years old, and the pain was as if someone had ripped my heart out. My safety was gone, my daddy was gone, and I didn’t know why or where you were or if you were coming back. The nights were long, filled with endless tears and desperate pleas, which fell on deaf ears, or I was punished for crying about missing you so much. My young mind couldn’t understand why you had to leave, why we were removed, why we were running from you, why I couldn’t see you. The grief was overwhelming, and I felt so alone. I could only clutch the memories we made together, those fleeting moments of joy, and pray for your return.

But every time you tried to come back, you were met with violence. I clearly remember my weaponized Grandfather loaded shotgun at your head, threatening your life if you came any closer to us. They moved us around so you couldn’t find us, even when the courts granted you contact. And when you finally did see us, it was always brief, always under watchful eyes, and we were caught up in the paranoia and delusion that was shared with us by our mother. Those moments were precious but too few, and the loneliness, chaos and total confusion grew deeper with each passing day.

Any affection shown to you in front of our mother allies was met with the brutal force of a cult leader and her devoted followers. I saw the terror etched on my siblings faces, and we only spoke the lines we were fed., knowing that having a voice came with highest cost when we were alone with our alienating mother. As soon as we saw the gelatinous cast come over her eyes, we knew our mother had left, and the monster that possessed her was in our presence and out for revenge. This included beatings, questioning, retelling of events, and stories of how we had been loyal to her and remained loyal to her during a contact visit. We were tested on everything that happened during each visit with our father, and everything was twisted and turned into something bad. And good memories were destroyed and manipulated. I escaped by dreaming of a long, dark, vertical mineshaft/well hundreds of meters deep where I could sit and scream and cry in my mind without punishment…all while being silent in her world of complete control and terror. This went on for years, well into our adult lives.

Our Cult Leader

Let me explain. Our lives, Dad, were akin to being held hostage by a cult leader. Watching the documentary on the Jonestown tragedy, I realized how similar our experiences were. The fear, the control, the manipulation- it was as if we were trapped in a nightmare orchestrated by our alienation, pathological mother. The threats of being killed or kidnapped, the constant fear that loomed over us- it was a living hell.

If people want to understand what it’s like to be severely alienated child of a pathological parent, they should watch that documentary. It vividly depicts the psychological torment, the isolation, and the utter helplessness we felt. The four-part documentary released 40 years after the 1978 Jonestown mass murder -suicide that killed more that 900 Americans follows the People’s Temple leader Reverend Jim Jones from his roots as charismatic preacher to a narcissistic demagogue.

This story, based on the 2017 book, “Road to Jonestown” by Jeff Guinn, parallels the torment we endured to a lesser degree, as in there was no mass murder. However, I felt like one the captives in the camp; our alienating mother could easily have been the female version of Jim Jones, except we were in her private little abducted family cult, facing the prospect of never being released without serious consequences.. To this day, as long as I stand up to her, this view remains unwavering unless I yield and realign back into being her personal soldier, keeper of secrets, believer of her delusions, and cult member.

Dad – You Never Stood a Chance

As I stand here today, I am reminded of the strength you showed in the face of adversity. Despite the barriers placed between us, you never gave up on us. You found for our relationship, loved us from afar, and kept us in your heart. Your resilience and love are the legacy you leave behind, a testament to the bond we shared.

Reflecting on the years we lost and the time we were denied, I am reminded of the importance of cherishing every moment. Life is fleeting, and the bonds we share with those we love are precious. In your memory, I vow to hold my loved ones close, cherish the time we have, and honor the legacy you left behind.

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Alyse was alienated from her father for 23 years, and only had 2 years of reunification before her father was killed. Her full story is documented in the book, “Children are not Weapons!“,